whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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