glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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