I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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