I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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