well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
