My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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