guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
