I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
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My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
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She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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