I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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