I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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