I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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