Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
