I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
