I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
