Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
