That's when you crack a 10am beer
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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