i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
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Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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