I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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