Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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