Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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