life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
