My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
