i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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