I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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