I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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