do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
