My hand turned me down
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Randomize
