My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
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