Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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