So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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