my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
