I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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