i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
