The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
