Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
