I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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