If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
