We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
