You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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