Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
