oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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