textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
