My friends, they love my intelligence
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Text me some of your sweat
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
