so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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