Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
