cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
