I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
