so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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