i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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