Can i not drive my cunt home
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
