Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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