Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
