So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
