I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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