there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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