I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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